I was so tired. I woke up at 5am to finish my book, that morning, which I still didn't finish.
I made pancakes and nursed the baby twice. Annabel had woken me up, and she had kept me busy since 7am. I tried to put her down to roll on a quilt on the floor, but she scooted under a chair twice. I held her for a bit, then out of necessity, I put her in the swing, while I stirred batter and scooped it into the sizzling, buttery pan.
I felt like I had already lived two lives by 8:30am. I was so tired, and my heart was racing in anxiety. I still had to make a meal plan, go grocery shopping, get the littles dressed and ready to go with me, make it back in once piece, get the kids to help me put away groceries, play sidewalk chalk, feed them lunch, do school pickup, and live life that Monday. And who knows - I never know- what all that will entail with 3 3 and under? Sleep-deprivation wasn't helping; it definitely wasn't a good way to start my day.
I was so tired. Am I sick? I wondered? My nose was incessantly running while I waited for the girls in the afternoon traffic. It wouldn't stop. As I was tending to my various symptoms, I rewarded myself for the exhausted morning by buying another book. Unfortunately, I realized - only after I waited in after school carline for pick-up, I had the wrong date on my mental calendar blocked out. The girls were in After School Art, and I would need to come back to pick them up in an hour. When I realized I was completely out of gas, I had had enough. I called Stephen, sobbing. "I am so disorganized! The kids were all asleep, and I woke them up and individually carried them all to the car, only to find out I had the wrong pick-up time! Ugh!"
I had coffee, but it made me feel even more anxious. Then after a panic attack, because the coffee had made my anxiety worse, I had a snack. However, I started feeling nauseous for no good reason, and had to make myself eat. I wasn't sure what to do or how I was going to make it through the day.
So finally, amidst my feelings of despair that all of my control was spinning faster and faster out of my hands, I prayed.
God please help me. I am so so so so tired. I do not feel well. Please God, help me. Give me divine energy and help me to overcome my anxiety today, Please give me divine strength and divine help and faith. Please assist me as I watch over these kids.
I confess. I do not have enough energy for all that you require of me today.
But if you will it, then you can give me the energy and I grace I need to get through this day. You can overcome negative energy, anger, and pride. You can help me....
And almost immediately, as I did the dishes, I could feel the anxiety dissipate. I had reassurance that God made this day, and he would give me the strength to tackle it. As my despair left my body, slowly but surely, another thought came in its place, and I was very surprised by it.
It was joy and gratitude.
My first thought was a bit random, but here goes. "Wow.... I'm so thankful for my Mom! She gave me this life. She raised me. Well, she and my Dad, haha. God blessed me with four gorgeous baby girls and one amazing little boy." Yes, I did warn you that it would be random, but that's what I thought, literally word-by-word.
I am so blessed.
I am so thankful for grace! And the divine energy to face the day came seeping into my being and hope into all of my pores. Even as my hot mess life crumbles around me: my control, my feelings of self-control, and my appearance to those around me, inwardly I felt rejuvenated.
Yes, I'm going to make it.
When I'm at the end of my rope, the worst part is that I struggle to find the patience I need to deal with those around me. I cannot project my own problems onto others. When someone rubs me the wrong way, I have to remember that like "iron sharpening iron," what feels cringe-worthy in others is probably simply a refinement going on in my own heart. And when I'm swinging from the bottom of my own rope, I have to simply remember the verse that says :
"The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you--they are full of the Spirit and life." John 6:63
I know I'm going to make it through. But first, I'm going to write a blog post about it. (This blog post).
Have you ever had a day like that?
adding my link to Tuesday Talk and the ACWB